Today I watched the film Bright Star and I had a thought about passion—passion in life, passion in love, passion in poetry and passion in speech. I watched these people, frozen in the 18^th century and I listened to their passion. There was such love in their speech (granted John Keats was a poet). I began to wonder why they were able to express themselves in such flowery language. Were people just more emotionally in touch with themselves back then? No. I think I’ve figured it out: less distraction. There was so little around to distract the masses that they were forced to sit around and talk and think and be more interesting in general. When there is less to distract you there is more time to approach thought and decipher an effective way to express what you feel. Even the Bible has concrete elements of poetic language. Think of the Book of Ruth. There is that whole passage in the beginning which get’s quoted in nearly every wedding ceremony. Ruth says to her mother-in-law Naomi, “Entreat me not to leave thee”. She could have so simply said, “Don’t ask me to leave you” but she said entreat me not instead. With the onset of great technology came the onset of great laziness in speech. We don’t have to work as hard to express ourselves, what with Facebook and Twitter readily available at our fingertips. Let’s not even get started on the fact that most of us consider texting actual conversation. I am going to make an active effort to step back.

Today’s Task: Learn to be more articulate without reliance on technology. Self- Reliance isn’t just an essay by Ralph Waldo Emerson, it’s a way of life. Rely on yourself to speak your mind. Imagine all the things that you could say to someone without the abuse of a device that needs to be plugged up. Write a letter. Pay a visit. Think of the weigh that your words have when they come straight from you. Articulate please!

I had an epiphany today. Feelings are all a matter of perception. Your feeling are entirely base don’t he way you perceive things. Say I’m having a conversation with someone. They say something specifically to convey a certain point but you hear something else and therefore perceive something else. Case in point: I once knew a girl named Katherine. We were loose acquaintances. One day we were having a conversation about past relationships and discovered that at one point in time, we had dated the same guy. The conversation moved to his new girlfriend and we were talking about how awful she was. I said very casually, “I love John but sometimes he has awful taste in women”.  I didn’t think much of this comment because on my part there was no malicious intent. But she heard an insult. The girl literally began to cry at the table. I had no intentions to hurt her. If there was any insult to be made, I would have backhandedly included myself. That was not my goal. Perception. Can you imagine how many people have been hurt and acted out based on something they perceive. How many crimes of passion have been committed at the assumption of nothing?  For the obsessive, perceptions can rule you. You become compulsive in the face of something you feel you can’t control. Think of all the women around this world right now, twiddling their thumbs, waiting for some guy to call them—thinking that there is something they have done wrong. That same guy could be in the hospital, or dead, or in trouble, or really pre-occupied with something more important. That woman’s perception makes her crazy. Our tainted opinions and misconceptions make us sitting ducks to paranoia and hurt feelings.

Today’s Task: Let go of perceptions. There are so many mistakes we make when we act on perceptions. When you assume you make and ass out of you. I don’t know why people add and me, cause really; you’re the only one with egg on your face. It becomes really liberating when you no longer allow people’s actions to dictate your feelings. I’m not saying that someone’s blatant disrespect should affect you, but there lack of reaction to a situation shouldn’t send you spiraling out of control. Understand that not everything is about you. Grasping that concept will make your life a lot easier and a lot less stressful.

For some reason I have been thinking about Machiavelli today. You know, there’s that whole section in The Prince where he is discussing whether a ruler should be feared or loved. It’s really a valid question.  Is it better to have people be afraid of you or to have people love you? Which is more likely to inspire loyalty? Which is going to keep people near to you? Fear or love? I’d never really thought much about the subject until today. I can see where the man was coming from on the subject of fear. To the emotionally stunted and immature it makes sense that fear would be the way. These are the people who equate fear with respect. These are the people who live by the kill or be killed philosophy—the people who believe that if they aren’t respected through fear, they have nothing. If only they knew love was the ultimate respect. It may seem like love is easy to take advantage of. But think about it. If you were a king, would you take the fear approach or the love approach? If you were feared, it may be more likely that you would end up without a throne or a kingdom to rule. Who doesn’t want to uproot a corrupt and dictatorial leader? Fear only works as a tactic but for so long. A leader who is loved is cherished and valued. If anyone were to attempt an insurrection or assassination it’s more likely that the people would rise up to protect their leader; Or, if that fails, to avenge the leaders untimely demise.  Who would do that for someone they feared? It’s not to say that you can’t rule with a firm hand and still be loved. There is a place to be level. I guess it all depends on emotional maturity and what kind of legacy you want to leave.

Today’s Task: Inspire love in someone. It would suck to find that your behavior caused you to go through life hated. No one wants to be hated or avoided. People pretend like they want to be but that is simply to avoid being vulnerable and rejected.  There is no sense in being a curmudgeon. It benefits no one, lease of all you. To be loved is much greater than to attempt to earn respect any other way. I want to leave a legacy of love.

 Has there been someone that has blown you away? Someone in your life who truly astounds you? I know someone like that—a remarkable someone who continuously amazes me with his progress. We were just kids when we met each other and our relationship was a times tumultuous (to say the least) but we have been blessed enough to know each other for a decade.  A lot can happen in a decade. Massive change can happen in a decade. When we first met and became friends, I had this vision for the person that he was and the person that he would become.  I tried not to project too much of that on him; however, being the naive and transparent girl that I was, the task became virtually impossible. I did project and I let him know at every turn we took.  For a long time we lost contact with each other. But I still had faith in him: faith in his intelligence and faith in his spirit. I caught up with my friend recently and I have to say that the experience was entirely pleasant. He has turned into absolutely everything that I ever thought he could be. He is strong and focused and wise. Although we struggled through some rough patches, we have come up on top. The thing that has helped is that I never gave up on him. I never stopped believing in him. Though there are gaps in our decade of acquaintance, they are necessary gaps. They are gaps of growth for both of us.

Today’s Task: Never give up on the people you care for. In this day and age we are so often encouraged to give up on relationships.  When people become useless or don’t live up to our expectations, we are just supposed to walk away. Now I’m not saying that there aren’t times when we should cut our losses, nor am I saying that we should all be nudges and pushers. But there are times that we should stand for people we believe in. How can people grow if we don’t’ give them the chance to be who they can be.  It’s so easy to give up. But God hasn’t given up on me and I don’t think I can give up on anyone else.

Do you ever think of Sacagawea?  Think about her expedition with two random men (Lewis and Clark). She was just trying to get them to their destination at the Missouri River and she became someone who will forever be ingrained in history. But why did she do it? And what was her side of the story?  I mean really think about it.  Lewis and Clark are trying to find a way to the Missouri River and she already knows how to get there, which means her people already knew how to get there. Then why are these two men credited with the discovery? Yes, she is acknowledged but they get the credit. Is that really fair? And think of Marie Antoinette. That poor woman is quoted as saying something that she never said.  What kind of monarch would say “let them eat cake” in reference to the impoverished of her country? Certainly she wouldn’t but the media outlets and the gossip rags of her day assert that she did. A gossip column helped to bring about a revolution. What would have happened if she were allowed to explain things from her perspective?  They say that history is written by the winners and that is absolutely true. Sacagawea wasn’t a winner. Not really. Neither was the Dauphine of France. Their lives were radically changed by the words and protestations of others. Makes you really think about what is said of you—what will leave a lasting impression about who you were. Is it acceptable to have someone dictate how you will be remembered?

Today’s task: Write your own history. Don’t give anyone the opportunity to tell your story.  Journal. Write. Scribble. Let people know who you were in your own words and actions. No one will ever be able to speak of you as well as you can.  Words, statements and feelings in this life can be misconstrued when taken out of context. Contextualize you and leave your own lasting impression. It’s worth it. 

I’ve often said that the best part of my life right now is enjoying the ride.  There is so much to do—so many adventures to be had before we reach our final destination. It can be fun, even comforting to have the feeling of the unknown with you.  It’s like a game of tether ball.  Sure you get knocked back and forth, but you’re got the wind in your hair and you’re riding high. But how long will that that sensation last.  How long with the game stay neat and light and easy. Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m in a game of tether ball that has gone terribly wrong. All of those unknowns that used to be alluring to me are beginning to feel overwhelming. I have finances that need to be straightened, a career that needs to get started and more personal queries than you can shake a stick at. And sin of all sins, I’m about to become a sell-out. I promised myself long ago that I would never do a job that wasn’t in my field or that did not advance my career. I am about to do just that: take a job just for the money. I want so badly to be okay with everything going on, but at times it feels like I am just barely treading water. I want to enjoy the ride with some sense of stability but not at the cost of my integrity and my personal ideals. How do I tread the balance?

Today’s Task: Cut the tether. If you’re not careful you may get played by the game instead of playing it. You’ll end up with a ball and string that are wrapped so tightly around a pole that they are completely unplayable and what use is a game you can’t play? When you reach the point that you are tethered to the tether, it is perfectly acceptable to cut it loose and start a new game. You want to enjoy that unknown without the fear of getting stuck to it. I’m cutting the tether today. I want to fly high again. However, it is comforting to know that there is a nice, stable pole, anchoring me for the whole ride.

In this life, there will always be the one that got away. There will always be that person who leaves and indelible impression on your soul: who changes you in some small way.  You may not meet them until very late in life. You may meet them early on. The point is that you will meet them and they will shift your thinking. I had that person in my life.  He was someone who challenged me. He forced me out of my comfort zone and made me really think about who I am and what I want. The sad part was that I wasn’t able to appreciate him while I had him. The general pattern for we fickle humans is just that—we don’t see what we have until it has left us behind.  I’m sure that he will be headed to the altar sometime soon and my heart can’t help but think what if. What if we had worked things out? What if we not only worked but lasted? What if I have exaggerated this relationship far beyond what it truly was? I could kill myself with questions that will never be answered but I don’t think that is the point of “the one that got away”.  There is a much greater lesson in the loss.

Today’s Task: Have no regrets. We are meant to make mistakes so that we can learn from them.  I think that the ones that get away are the great lessons before the ones that get to stay. If we don’t lose anything, how will we know to treasure what we have? If I hadn’t fallen for this guy when I did (at the worst possible time) there are some things that I never would have learned.  I never would have known that deep level of remorse that has taught me to appreciate the ones that I love.  I never want to take for granted the people that I love in any of my relationships.  I never would have known how much that means to me if he never got away. The ones that get away are our great teachers. They aren’t placed in our lives to insight regret but to aid in growth. I am grateful for the values that lesson taught me.

So I’ve been having this dream. Over and over it’s the same thing. It’s the same face, the same smile, the same feeling that I get all the time. This is a face that I know. A face that I’m comfortable with and the more I see it, the more at peace I feel. It’s just that I’m getting a little too comfortable with this face. So comfortable in fact, that I find myself hoping that I dream about it again. And again, I do. Clearly, this face is attached to a person. I have absolutely no business dreaming about this person.  There is no logical reason that I should long to speak to this person or see them in my dreams but I do. But is it really wrong to want to be near someone who aids my sanity? Someone who makes me smile at the thought of their personality. Someone who literally makes me a better version of myself—I mean, there is a much nicer, less sarcastic, very open and compassionate me that exists. Every now and again she appears, and she mostly shows up around this person (barely a hint of sarcasm there). Is it wrong to throw all that away because it may be inappropriate? I feel so sure and yet so out of control. I just don’t think that I can trust this feeling. I’m deeply concerned.

Today’s Task: (This is a totally personal one) Cut the smitten kitten syndrome. It can become a little obnoxious to be moderately interested in someone who may not care at all. Stop the dreams, stop the feelings, just stop it B, until you are sure. Be composed till you can handle this like a rational adult and not a teenage girl. That may take a while.

People can be so crazy sometimes.  Some of you know that I recently decided to change my phone number, now let me tell you why. I got a few phone calls last week from someone that I didn’t know. I finally answered on the second call. It was from a woman named Sophia.  She told me that she got my phone number from a subpoenaed phone record and then proceeded to ask me flat out if I’d had an affair with her husband… What? I mean really, me, of all people—like I would have an affair with anyone’s husband. This woman was so insistent that I had, mysteriously crossed a line with her husband. I have no earthly clue who she is, or who her husband is. I was irritated with her at first but as the brief conversation I began to feel badly for her. She wanted so much to have some answers to her questions.  She kept saying to me, “I’m getting a divorce, so I don’t care if you did have an affair; I just want to know for my sake”. She was desperate for some peace and some closure to her situation, and I found myself upset with her husband and I don’t even know him. It got me thinking about all the dirt that people do: the things that are done that go unsaid and the things that are brought to the light. There are so many deceptive things that we do to the people that we love on a regular basis. Why? Why must we hide our secret motives? Is it because we know that what we hide is inappropriate and hurtful? It’s just too much.

Today’s Task: Watch the dirt that you do. There are so many nasty things done in the dark that are always brought to the light. Secrets often get found out and very often dirt begets dirt, but then we leave this world fairly grimy. Make sure that you aren’t doing anything in this life that you wouldn’t want printed on the front page of the New York Times.  It’s a good way to govern yourself and keep your loved ones from getting hurt. 

Sorry blog readers for the delay in this post. I do a little bit of acting in my spare time (hence being virtually non-existent lately). This week, I found myself working on a shoot that involved a lot of live animals; primarily speaking, they were snakes and mice.  Most women would gawk at that kind of thing. Snakes and mice give a lot of people that creepy, crawly feeling, but not me. I laugh in the face of such danger—Ha! It just so happens that the lead actress on this shoot had a minor issue where the animals were concerned.  She was ever so slightly frightened by the little guys, but the scene called for her to pick them up by their tails. I watched her freak out while preparing to shoot the scene. She had to talk herself up just to make it through the tenuous moments before “action” was called. She was genuinely scared, but once those cameras started rolling she became composed and self-assured. She was acting, in the best sense of the word. She had to have told herself that she was capable, a strong, and bigger than that little mouse that was causing her so much anguish. Granted when the cameras stopped rolling again, she had another freak-out. Yet in those moments of film, she will come across as a powerful woman.

Today’s Task: Grab the mouse by the tail. It’s easy to opt out of doing something because you are afraid, but it takes courage and gusto to do it anyway. Whether that mouse is moving to a new place, or moving on from an old relationship, grab on anyway. After enough time you’ll find that you are much bigger than your fear and then you won’t be so afraid anymore.

Spider Solitaire is a metaphor for my life. I start a game and go on for a couple of clicks but if it doesn’t seem that I’m going to win the game, I will stop and start a new one. I just give the game away. I get frustrated and must start over. What is that?  I always regret starting a new game immediately; feeling like I didn’t give the previous one a real chance. I like a game with a clear start where I feel I have a chance of winning. If I don’t get a game with a clear start and I do win, I still feel unfulfilled. I am automatically compelled to play another game. I do the same thing with other things in my life (guys mostly). If I’m just not feeling it, I’m not feeling it. There is no way for me to fake fulfillment if I’m not satisfied with the way something begins. But is that premature pulling out (I realize how that sounds…ha ha), or are my feelings warranted.  How will I even know unless I give something a chance to move past a first impression? How would anyone know if they liked or valued anything in their lives if they never gave it clear shot? There are certain things that must be seen through to the end, but how do we know what they are? There has to be some fortitude and some follow through.

Today’s Task: Finish the game. Give something an honest to goodness chance before you decide that it’s not really what you want. Weather that’s trying Wild Boar meatballs for the first time, or choosing to travel abroad, or even choosing to let yourself love someone or something.  Finish a game, any game. Or at least try to make it to the end.

Sometimes I hate being a girl. I mean really hate it.  There are certain things that women do that just annoy the living daylights out of me. We can be emotional and irrational. Like how we ask questions such as, “do I look fat in this?”, “why doesn’t he call me?”, “am I bothering you with (fill in the blank)?” Heck yes you are if you keep asking me silly and asinine questions. I hate to generalize on my sex but these examples are all quite true. What’s worse is I am so guilty of asking these silly questions. I am such a girl sometimes and I hate it. I can be so nonsensical when I am in girl mode. I do and say things that normal Britt acknowledges as utter foolishness. I am totally obsessive right now over something that is of little to no consequence. But I’m like a dog with a bone. I just can’t seem to let it go and I know in my heart that this is a uniquely feminine problem.  Well, maybe not. I watched the movie Perfume today. If you’ve never seen it, it’s about a young man gifted with amazing olfactory nerves who becomes obsessed with capturing the essence of someone’s smell. He’s so obsessed that when he finds a feminine smell that he loves, he kills the woman to capture it. Talk about obsessive. On the other hand he did create the world’s most beautiful perfume in the process. Okay, so we can qualify that you’re obsessive if you’re a woman or a psycho. I don’t believe that I just said that (so rude). It simply seems to me that obsessing gets you nowhere. And as much as I’m tempted to do that, just sit and prattle over something that I can’t affect or change, I must refuse my right as a woman.

Today’s Task: Even if you’re not a woman or a psychotic killer you must not obsess. Don’t get caught up in the ease of dwelling on something, especially if you can’t do anything to help it. If picking up a phone, or writing a letter, or sending an email will not aid your situation, then it’s best that you let it be. Let the things you obsess over resolve themselves.

On Faceboook yesterday I read the most interesting thing. A friend of mine posted a status update that read, “When you kill a cow, you gotta make a hamburger”.  You know there’s the whole lemons and lemonade thing. Yet, somehow, the Cow statement seemed to make much more of a punctuated point. There is just so much crap that we are put through; So many things in our everyday lives that go so wrong. Example #1:  I had very little money in my Bank of America account at the beginning of this week. A company that will remain nameless made an accidental debit from my account that exceeded my funds. My lovely bank, looking out for only them, decided to take the debit from the large company as opposed to the charges that I made when there was money in my account. So I was overdrawn, and then charged overdraft fee for al l of the charges. There is no other word to describe this feeling than violated. I wanted to scream and yell at everyone who worked in my local branch (anyone who has been in this position before knows exactly what I mean). Instead, I decided to keep my composure and make the best of a bad situation. The irony is that earlier in the day, I was encouraging someone else to keep their cool in the face of ignorance and naysayers. It was like God decided to put my words to the test just to see if I really meant them. So, I did my best to be cool and polite and I got every single penny back. I chose to look at my big old dead cow and take the initiative to make a burger.

Today’s Task: Have a barbecue. It would be so easy to be somber over the death of a cow, especially if you’re attached to it. All you can see is what is lost. But a dead cow is a blessing in disguise. It’s an opportunity to eat well—to feast. So accept adversity with grace and remain positive. And above all don’t be afraid to use a little elbow grease to get the steak out of life.

I consider myself to be a very observant person. I know that I am very spunky.  Put these two things together and you’ve got a pretty volatile combination—a snarky know-it-all.  I constantly find myself in the position of telling people things that they don’t want to hear. You ever find yourself getting that look from someone like, “who the hell are you”?  Well I get that look all the time. I am that girl who people love to hate. Generally it is people who love me that hate me but you get the idea. This snarky know-it-all seems to have a little extra edge to her.  Very often my dreams are revealing.  I almost always dream things before they happen.  Recently, a friend of mine went on a trip. I had a dream that he ran into an old friend of his and that something romantic happened between them. When he got back to his home I called him to see if I was correct, and much to my delight I was. It is quite probable that this lovely moment was happening while I was in La-La Land dreaming about it. So, I get up on my little sass horse and start telling him all about himself.  I’m sure that on the other side of the phone he was giving me that same look I alluded to before.  I think this gift is a manifestation of my gut instincts that just seem to come out in my sleep.  I can see betrayals coming from people I love. I can see accidents waiting to happen amongst co-workers. I see it all; clear as day in my dreams. But is that clairvoyance or is it just paying attention? More often than not, I think that my revelations are mere observations. We all have been blessed with the power to observe and take in information; some of us just use that gift better than others. We pay attention to our instincts. You know that nudging feeling that you get in the back of your head, or that drop in the pit of your stomach right before something bad happens? Odds are that before the tragedy occurred, you felt it too.  You just chose to ignore it. Could you imagine what life would be like if we all paid attention to our instincts? We might not get our feelings hurt all the time and we might not be so shocked when things happen.  Now don’t misunderstand, there is always that little something that seems to blind side us. These events can’t be avoided as much as we may try. But with a little observation and a little faith in ourselves, we could definitely spare some pain.

Today’s Task: Trust your instincts.  I can’t stress this enough. Women’s intuition isn’t exclusive to women; it’s just that we are the only ones who use it. Going with your gut will get you where you want to be 90% of the time (that is totally a made up statistic). I didn’t say trust your body parts (you people know what I mean). I said trust your instincts. I promise that you will be happy with the results.

I am at a total loss.  I am usually a very decisive person and now I find myself stuck, without action, without movement, dumbfounded. Opportunity has been making herself seen all around me lately.  So many options, so many choices, so many chances and I can’t make any decisions.  Is it a matter of faith? If you believe in God (or a higher power for some of you), it’s hard to think that anything happens by chance.  It’s more a matter of fate or providence.  But it’s much more difficult to know what is God’s doing and what’s not.  It seems like we blame God for the wrong things and the devil for the wrong things. Does anyone ever stop to think that we are given some options and free will? We have the chance to do the living and we must trust that we are doing what we are supposed to whenever we aren’t quite sure. So, with all this in mind, should I be taking advantage of these opportunities? Should I uproot my life to make a real go of my career? Should I take a chance and spend time with a man I don’t know so well or take a chance with one I’ve known a good part on my life? Which decision is the right one? If I spend this time asking questions, I’ll never some up with any answers. So…

Today’s Task: Grab life with both hands and don’t be afraid to live. You will never know when you’ve got it right. Life is an experiment so try new things and make mistakes (not to many big ones, just ones you can learn from). God will guide you to the path where you need to be, but he will not take away your choices. It’s up to you to take the next steps.  Live!

As a child, I really struggled with tact.  I had no idea what that meant, and my parent told me to always tell the truth, so I did.  I didn’t know that people should tell the truth tactfully. I would speak my mind with all the authority that a six-year-old could muster.  It took my mother sitting me down for a long talk to understand exactly what I was doing wrong; this allowed me to change my approach. Instead of simply saying what I thought I add the disclaimer, “no offense but”… This was my way to zing you without really zinging you. When my mother further explained that my new approach was really no different, I struggled to find a way to tread the balance. As I got older it became difficult for me to say what I thought decisively.  I have a really hard time telling people no, in a way that is clear.  This seems to be getting me into trouble lately.  There is a guy who is interested in me.  I have said no, in the best way that I know how and he doesn’t seem to be getting the message. I have the sneaking suspicion that’s because I’m not being forceful enough.  I have no intention of engaging his advances, but that’s not a deterrent for him.  All because of a lesson I learned very early. Be tactful. But is it time for me to give up that pretence?

Today’s Task: Let your no mean no. It can be difficult to say what you mean without being offensive but it’s even more difficult to deal with the fall out of not being clear. If you aren’t able to be tactful try losing a little bit of the tact.  You will always know that your words will be understood and you will lessen the blow of any pain that you may cause someone with your truth. I hope that I will learn to walk the fine line between truth and tact and I hope that my answer will be taken for what they are… Big Fat NOs!

Do people ever surprise you?  I mean, really throw you for a loop. Every now and again, I find myself suddenly surprised by the depth of someone whom I assumed was completely shallow. Unfortunately, after some time passes, the illusion wears off and I find that I was completely correct in my first opinion. I think it’s the desire to see the good in all people. We optimists have this constant desire. Recently, I have run into someone who I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined talking to. This person has been in my acquaintance for years but we have never gone beyond the surface in a friendship. I never took him for much and I’m sure he never really gave me a second glance.  In truth, I thought him to be a bit vacant. And yet, I now find myself in the throws of a budding friendship. We have been able to have every pleasant conversation on a myriad of topics and there does seem to be some depth to his character. I mean, I have actually connected with a person in a way that I never could have fathomed. I truly believe that our simple conversations could turn out to be something substantial. Then again, with my track record, I could be very, very wrong.  But, if there is anything that my experiences have taught me, it is to be slow to judge. You never know what people can mean to you unless you give them a chance.

Today’s Task: Don’t judge every book you cross by its cover. Unless you open it up, you can never know what it holds (like the Twilight series, which was surprisingly good). Sometimes out judgments are right and sometimes they are wrong, but it takes a little faith and a little patience to wait and see!

What is it with these programmed responses? People lie unconsciously all the time because the majority of the time, they are using a programmed response.  Someone asks, “How are you doing?” and unconsciously we answer, “Well. And yourself?” Why do we do that? Half of the time we give this response, we aren’t well at all. Today, for the first time, I heard someone tell the truth. When asked how he was, he responded, “fabulous”. Then the man paused. He said, “Actually, I’m probably far from fabulous. In fact I’m not fabulous at all. I don’t know why I said I was”. This bare moment of honesty was an inspiration to me. It took a lot for that man to tell the truth, mostly because he hadn’t even realized that he’d lied. We are all in a constant state of perjury. We lie out of habit, courtesy, and decorum. I say now is the time to break the curse. Cease to lie, people.  Cease to lie. We must end this cycle of niceties and proper responses.

Today’s Task:  Cut the crap! The next time someone asks you how you are doing, have the courage to tell the truth. Say what you really feel. If you are not great, share it. It might put a bit of a damper on the day (to know everything in the world ain’t so peachy), but at least you can make it through the rest of the day with the knowledge that you were completely honest with someone. Let’s all make the sincere effort to NOT lie to our fellow man. Be open and honest with your brother. Have the courage to say, “TODAY SUCKS”!

I wrote a poem recently entitled Tarnished.  It is about silver jewelry.  I know, I know, a woman writing a poem about jewelry—typical. But it’s not about what we see. It’s about what’s underneath the surface. As silver jewelry begins to wear with time, it changes in color. Oxygen can cause its properties to change. It becomes tarnished.  But oxidized jewelry seems to increase in value. It’s just as beautiful as normal silver, but its surface seems to tell a story. The piece is not longer just something pretty to look at. There is history behind the beauty and the beauty is still very apparent to everyone who sees it.  A lot of people are like tarnished, oxidized silver.  They are a little weathered, a little worse for the wear, but still beautiful.  Our life experiences make up our tarnish: a broken heart here, a death of a loved one there—scars that we build up over time which form the canvas of our stories.  To someone, our tarnish (story) is beautiful. There is no shame in having a history.  It’s what makes each of us uniquely beautiful.

Today’s Task: Wear your battle scars proudly.  You wouldn’t be the complete work that you are if not for a little living.  The master collector loves pieces with a background and we are all beautiful in his sight.  Your tarnish makes you worth acquiring.

Yesterday I had a breakdown.  I was extremely sick and felt completely out of control of my body.  I know now that I could never be a fall down drunk—I hate not having control of my faculties, let alone my entire body.  As I began to shut down, I panicked.  The sicker I felt, the deeper I sank into the feeling of no control. I could feel myself getting dizzier and I was nearly at the point of passing out. I could hear my body saying this is it; you’re losing it (mind you that this was all brought on by a severe wave of nausea). It occurred to me after a little bathroom time and a little thought, that there was more to my sinking feeling than the physical illness.  I have always been a person that when I’m sick, I’m really sick.  Now I know why.  My body went in to shut down mode because it was tired and stressed.  A lot of people rely on me. They use me for advice and support and guidance. Normally, I’m able to take everyones problems in stride and be my best advising self. Yesterday, it was as if there was a stone wall of issues coming to crush me.  Before 10 a.m., I had received three disturbing phone calls from people who had problems much bigger than I could assist with.  I was overwhelmed and the sickness didn’t help.  My body and mind went into shut down mode—rendering me useless to everyone.

Today’s Task: Know when to say when.  Your body will tell you when it’s time to take a break. Listen to it.  If you don’t, you may teeter near the u of a breakdown.  It is okay to offer your time, your ears, your heart, and your expertise to the people you care for. But if you don’t take time to recharge your battery, all of you efforts will be and vain because no one can take advise from a person who’s passed out on the floor.

Self-Revelation.  It’s so often touted as this really great thing—to have an awareness of oneself.  I don’t get it.  So I’m supposed to be enthused when I recognize something in myself?  Like this somehow is a great mark of refinement and evolution.  Not so.  After getting dressed this morning, I looked at myself with disappointment. Self revelatory moment number one: I thought I looked fat. I went to ask my father in hopes that he would assuage my feelings of inadequacy.  Instead, he said, “oh, it’s probably just your shirt.  It looks a little tight on you but you’re not fat”.  This is the answer that he’s supposed to give, right? Right.  But it didn’t make me feel any better because, self revelatory moment number two: I was asking the “Am I fat” question.  This is the question that I mocked so many other women for asking.  It occurred to me that I was becoming one of them—another silly woman.  Not a good feeling.  In fact, it further increased my feeling of inadequacy.  Self-Revelation. Ha! What a load of garbage.  Do you know what I’ve discovered about self revelation? After we have these “aha” moments, we are supposed to do something in reaction.  We are expected to change.  But when I have these moments, I don’t. Like recently, when I realized that I keep a lot of secrets.  Good friends tell other friends what they are going through, when they are going through it.  I don’t. I like to figure things out for myself.  The only time I ever mention a private matter to a friend is when I’m sure that the situation is nearly at its close.  That’s not very friendly.  I wait to get an opinion when I know that there is nothing else to be done, you know, as a stop gap measure.  What kind of a person does that? Especially when so many of my friends come to me for good advice.  I recognize this in myself and yet, do I change?  NEVER! I persist in keeping secrets. That’s not very evolved of me. See, this self-revelation junk just makes me depressed.

Today’s Task: Try to use the act of self-revelation for its purpose: a means to change.  When you see something in yourself that you don’t like, work on it instead of using it as a crutch. Can you imagine if everyone in the world did that after every moment of self-revelation?  We’d all be much better off because we’d be constantly evolving toward something greater—civil and decent humanity. I like that idea a little better than wallowing in my own sense of shame at being stagnant as a person. 

How many people are there in your life that you know?  I mean people that you interact with on a daily basis. You share space with them, you share moments of your life with them, you know them, right? Wrong.  There are so many people that we spend countless hours with that we never truly know.  It’s mostly because we don’t talk past the surface and we don’t ask questions.  These days it’s almost taboo to be interested in someone other than yourself.  Yesterday, in an attempt to get to know some of the people in my life, I began sharing stories with my co-workers. I found that in my current employment, there are a lot of people that are living half lives of unfulfilled dreams.  So many stories of thwarted loves and almost successes have begun to line my days. These are the topics that fill my ears unto the point of overflow.  I am naturally a very encouraging person so there is only so much negativity that I can take before I decide to start opening my big fat mouth.  In this very layered convo, I found out that one of my co-workers was on her way to a very promising career as a model and visual artist.  She had a lot of great connections, a portfolio and an opportunity in Hawaii but she gave it all up for the love of her life.  Her choice was what was best for her and I admire her ability to commit (something that I frequently lack). Yet there was something in her voice that said, “I miss that part of myself”. Ever the encourager, I suggested that she give being an artist another go if only on the weekends.  I will never know if she took that suggestion to heart, but it was definitely something for her to think about. 

Today’s Task: If you have a dusty dream on the shelf, a dream that really means something to you, go for it.  It’s never too late to start again because there is always a tomorrow.  A dream deferred isn’t necessarily is a dream denied. It’s just a dream delayed.  I’m going after my dreams and I’m going to grab them with both hands.  I hope you will consider doing the same.  

I had an interesting conversation with an ex boyfriend today.  This was a man that I loved very deeply; a man that I would have married if he asked sincerely (he did ask once jokingly). We have not been speaking at all because he has treated me miserably.  I couldn’t understand for the life of me why someone who claimed to love me would treat me with such disdain.  It occurred to me that guilt might be part of the reason but I wasn’t really sure.  After suffering months of pain and heartache, I finally decided to ask the question that I had been avoiding.  Today I asked him if he ever really loved me. Plain. Simple. To the point.  Did you ever love me? He paused before answering. Then he simply said, “At the time I thought I did. But looking back, if I really did, I never would have treated you that way”. It was something that I had long suspected.  But now it was tangible, hanging in the air. No. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to feel enraged and crushed and broken. But I wasn’t. None of those feelings came.  And it wasn’t because I didn’t love him with everything I had. I was because I asked the question.  I wouldn’t have asked it if I couldn’t deal with the answer.  And now I’m not confused.  I can close that “tragic” chapter of my life. All because I asked and dared to hear the truth.  

Today’s Task: Don’t be afraid to ask that burning question and don’t ask it unless you can handle the answer.  No closure has ever come without an answer. Maybe I’ll never understand why I was the target of his faux love. Maybe I’ll never know why I wasn’t enough. But at least the “no” can offer some peace of mind. That peace that I thought I gave him. I’m happy that I asked the question. Maybe you will be too.

So, I work at a mall. There is always something interesting to be seen at a mall. There are people picking their noses, people dragging their bratty children in and out of stores, people attempting to shoplift, you know, normal Americans. What I usually find very entertaining is becoming increasingly more pathetic. I’ve found that my people watching has is beginning to take on a very cynical tone. I watch the people in my immediate area gel into a mass group of mediocrity. There are the mall walkers—who in their geriatric state look as though they are on death’s door. Then there are the hood rats, that walk around the mall in their sweats and doobie wraps. These girls are always on a mission to get gigged up for some party where they can snag some random guy who drives a sooped up Honda. Then there are the stroller moms, some of whom literally roll out of bed and to the mall in their pajamas to spend all of their husband’s hard earned money. This ever evolving tapestry of people converges at a shopping center, WHERE THEY BUY NOTHING! I watched a woman today standing all hunched over and concave outside of my store for a full five minutes—unmoving. As she stood there, I became aggravated and frustrated. I couldn’t figure out why this freak of nature was loitering in my space. Then it occurred to me that she could be having a crisis of the heart, as I stood in judgment criticizing her. I found that I was taking out my frustrations with the lack of store traffic out on someone who had nothing to do with my life. In this very difficult time, we all seem to be on a mission to demonize and criticize people who have done us no wrong. It’s a way to deal with the unrest that we feel within ourselves. We do it to waiters in restaurants, to the customer service reps at banks that abuse our pockets, to the President, and even to our family and friends. These people aren’t to blame for our issues but we are always looking for someone to blame. But is that what we really want to do to our fellow man?

Today’s Task: Strive to be kinder to your fellow man. Try to remember that there is no one to blame when life get’s difficult and to take it out on someone else is just a cop out and a shame. A little smile and a little kindness go a long way. Think before you speak and speak from the heart. It could make this time of trial a little easier for us all.