I’ve often said that the best part of my life right now is enjoying the ride.  There is so much to do—so many adventures to be had before we reach our final destination. It can be fun, even comforting to have the feeling of the unknown with you.  It’s like a game of tether ball.  Sure you get knocked back and forth, but you’re got the wind in your hair and you’re riding high. But how long will that that sensation last.  How long with the game stay neat and light and easy. Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m in a game of tether ball that has gone terribly wrong. All of those unknowns that used to be alluring to me are beginning to feel overwhelming. I have finances that need to be straightened, a career that needs to get started and more personal queries than you can shake a stick at. And sin of all sins, I’m about to become a sell-out. I promised myself long ago that I would never do a job that wasn’t in my field or that did not advance my career. I am about to do just that: take a job just for the money. I want so badly to be okay with everything going on, but at times it feels like I am just barely treading water. I want to enjoy the ride with some sense of stability but not at the cost of my integrity and my personal ideals. How do I tread the balance?

Today’s Task: Cut the tether. If you’re not careful you may get played by the game instead of playing it. You’ll end up with a ball and string that are wrapped so tightly around a pole that they are completely unplayable and what use is a game you can’t play? When you reach the point that you are tethered to the tether, it is perfectly acceptable to cut it loose and start a new game. You want to enjoy that unknown without the fear of getting stuck to it. I’m cutting the tether today. I want to fly high again. However, it is comforting to know that there is a nice, stable pole, anchoring me for the whole ride.

In this life, there will always be the one that got away. There will always be that person who leaves and indelible impression on your soul: who changes you in some small way.  You may not meet them until very late in life. You may meet them early on. The point is that you will meet them and they will shift your thinking. I had that person in my life.  He was someone who challenged me. He forced me out of my comfort zone and made me really think about who I am and what I want. The sad part was that I wasn’t able to appreciate him while I had him. The general pattern for we fickle humans is just that—we don’t see what we have until it has left us behind.  I’m sure that he will be headed to the altar sometime soon and my heart can’t help but think what if. What if we had worked things out? What if we not only worked but lasted? What if I have exaggerated this relationship far beyond what it truly was? I could kill myself with questions that will never be answered but I don’t think that is the point of “the one that got away”.  There is a much greater lesson in the loss.

Today’s Task: Have no regrets. We are meant to make mistakes so that we can learn from them.  I think that the ones that get away are the great lessons before the ones that get to stay. If we don’t lose anything, how will we know to treasure what we have? If I hadn’t fallen for this guy when I did (at the worst possible time) there are some things that I never would have learned.  I never would have known that deep level of remorse that has taught me to appreciate the ones that I love.  I never want to take for granted the people that I love in any of my relationships.  I never would have known how much that means to me if he never got away. The ones that get away are our great teachers. They aren’t placed in our lives to incite regret but to aid in growth. I am grateful for the values that lesson taught me.

So I’ve been having this dream. Over and over it’s the same thing. It’s the same face, the same smile, the same feeling that I get all the time. This is a face that I know. A face that I’m comfortable with and the more I see it, the more at peace I feel. It’s just that I’m getting a little too comfortable with this face. So comfortable in fact, that I find myself hoping that I dream about it again. And again, I do. Clearly, this face is attached to a person. I have absolutely no business dreaming about this person.  There is no logical reason that I should long to speak to this person or see them in my dreams but I do. But is it really wrong to want to be near someone who aids my sanity? Someone who makes me smile at the thought of their personality. Someone who literally makes me a better version of myself—I mean, there is a much nicer, less sarcastic, very open and compassionate me that exists. Every now and again she appears, and she mostly shows up around this person (barely a hint of sarcasm there). Is it wrong to throw all that away because it may be inappropriate? I feel so sure and yet so out of control. I just don’t think that I can trust this feeling. I’m deeply concerned.

Today’s Task: (This is a totally personal one) Cut the smitten kitten syndrome. It can become a little obnoxious to be moderately interested in someone who may not care at all. Stop the dreams, stop the feelings, just stop it B, until you are sure. Be composed till you can handle this like a rational adult and not a teenage girl. That may take a while.

People can be so crazy sometimes.  Some of you know that I recently decided to change my phone number, now let me tell you why. I got a few phone calls last week from someone that I didn’t know. I finally answered on the second call. It was from a woman named Sophia.  She told me that she got my phone number from a subpoenaed phone record and then proceeded to ask me flat out if I’d had an affair with her husband… What? I mean really, me, of all people—like I would have an affair with anyone’s husband. This woman was so insistent that I had, mysteriously crossed a line with her husband. I have no earthly clue who she is, or who her husband is. I was irritated with her at first but as the brief conversation I began to feel badly for her. She wanted so much to have some answers to her questions.  She kept saying to me, “I’m getting a divorce, so I don’t care if you did have an affair; I just want to know for my sake”. She was desperate for some peace and some closure to her situation, and I found myself upset with her husband and I don’t even know him. It got me thinking about all the dirt that people do: the things that are done that go unsaid and the things that are brought to the light. There are so many deceptive things that we do to the people that we love on a regular basis. Why? Why must we hide our secret motives? Is it because we know that what we hide is inappropriate and hurtful? It’s just too much.

Today’s Task: Watch the dirt that you do. There are so many nasty things done in the dark that are always brought to the light. Secrets often get found out and very often dirt begets dirt, but then we leave this world fairly grimy. Make sure that you aren’t doing anything in this life that you wouldn’t want printed on the front page of the New York Times.  It’s a good way to govern yourself and keep your loved ones from getting hurt. 

Sorry blog readers for the delay in this post. I do a little bit of acting in my spare time (hence being virtually non-existent lately). This week, I found myself working on a shoot that involved a lot of live animals; primarily speaking, they were snakes and mice.  Most women would gawk at that kind of thing. Snakes and mice give a lot of people that creepy, crawly feeling, but not me. I laugh in the face of such danger—Ha! It just so happens that the lead actress on this shoot had a minor issue where the animals were concerned.  She was ever so slightly frightened by the little guys, but the scene called for her to pick them up by their tails. I watched her freak out while preparing to shoot the scene. She had to talk herself up just to make it through the tenuous moments before “action” was called. She was genuinely scared, but once those cameras started rolling she became composed and self-assured. She was acting, in the best sense of the word. She had to have told herself that she was capable, a strong, and bigger than that little mouse that was causing her so much anguish. Granted when the cameras stopped rolling again, she had another freak-out. Yet in those moments of film, she will come across as a powerful woman.

Today’s Task: Grab the mouse by the tail. It’s easy to opt out of doing something because you are afraid, but it takes courage and gusto to do it anyway. Whether that mouse is moving to a new place, or moving on from an old relationship, grab on anyway. After enough time you’ll find that you are much bigger than your fear and then you won’t be so afraid anymore.

Spider Solitaire is a metaphor for my life. I start a game and go on for a couple of clicks but if it doesn’t seem that I’m going to win the game, I will stop and start a new one. I just give the game away. I get frustrated and must start over. What is that?  I always regret starting a new game immediately; feeling like I didn’t give the previous one a real chance. I like a game with a clear start where I feel I have a chance of winning. If I don’t get a game with a clear start and I do win, I still feel unfulfilled. I am automatically compelled to play another game. I do the same thing with other things in my life (guys mostly). If I’m just not feeling it, I’m not feeling it. There is no way for me to fake fulfillment if I’m not satisfied with the way something begins. But is that premature pulling out (I realize how that sounds…ha ha), or are my feelings warranted.  How will I even know unless I give something a chance to move past a first impression? How would anyone know if they liked or valued anything in their lives if they never gave it clear shot? There are certain things that must be seen through to the end, but how do we know what they are? There has to be some fortitude and some follow through.

Today’s Task: Finish the game. Give something an honest to goodness chance before you decide that it’s not really what you want. Weather that’s trying Wild Boar meatballs for the first time, or choosing to travel abroad, or even choosing to let yourself love someone or something.  Finish a game, any game. Or at least try to make it to the end.

Sometimes I hate being a girl. I mean really hate it.  There are certain things that women do that just annoy the living daylights out of me. We can be emotional and irrational. Like how we ask questions such as, “do I look fat in this?”, “why doesn’t he call me?”, “am I bothering you with (fill in the blank)?” Heck yes you are if you keep asking me silly and asinine questions. I hate to generalize on my sex but these examples are all quite true. What’s worse is I am so guilty of asking these silly questions. I am such a girl sometimes and I hate it. I can be so nonsensical when I am in girl mode. I do and say things that normal Britt acknowledges as utter foolishness. I am totally obsessive right now over something that is of little to no consequence. But I’m like a dog with a bone. I just can’t seem to let it go and I know in my heart that this is a uniquely feminine problem.  Well, maybe not. I watched the movie Perfume today. If you’ve never seen it, it’s about a young man gifted with amazing olfactory nerves who becomes obsessed with capturing the essence of someone’s smell. He’s so obsessed that when he finds a feminine smell that he loves, he kills the woman to capture it. Talk about obsessive. On the other hand he did create the world’s most beautiful perfume in the process. Okay, so we can qualify that you’re obsessive if you’re a woman or a psycho. I don’t believe that I just said that (so rude). It simply seems to me that obsessing gets you nowhere. And as much as I’m tempted to do that, just sit and prattle over something that I can’t affect or change, I must refuse my right as a woman.

Today’s Task: Even if you’re not a woman or a psychotic killer you must not obsess. Don’t get caught up in the ease of dwelling on something, especially if you can’t do anything to help it. If picking up a phone, or writing a letter, or sending an email will not aid your situation, then it’s best that you let it be. Let the things you obsess over resolve themselves.

On Faceboook yesterday I read the most interesting thing. A friend of mine posted a status update that read, “When you kill a cow, you gotta make a hamburger”.  You know there’s the whole lemons and lemonade thing. Yet, somehow, the Cow statement seemed to make much more of a punctuated point. There is just so much crap that we are put through; So many things in our everyday lives that go so wrong. Example #1:  I had very little money in my Bank of America account at the beginning of this week. A company that will remain nameless made an accidental debit from my account that exceeded my funds. My lovely bank, looking out for only them, decided to take the debit from the large company as opposed to the charges that I made when there was money in my account. So I was overdrawn, and then charged overdraft fee for al l of the charges. There is no other word to describe this feeling than violated. I wanted to scream and yell at everyone who worked in my local branch (anyone who has been in this position before knows exactly what I mean). Instead, I decided to keep my composure and make the best of a bad situation. The irony is that earlier in the day, I was encouraging someone else to keep their cool in the face of ignorance and naysayers. It was like God decided to put my words to the test just to see if I really meant them. So, I did my best to be cool and polite and I got every single penny back. I chose to look at my big old dead cow and take the initiative to make a burger.

Today’s Task: Have a barbecue. It would be so easy to be somber over the death of a cow, especially if you’re attached to it. All you can see is what is lost. But a dead cow is a blessing in disguise. It’s an opportunity to eat well—to feast. So accept adversity with grace and remain positive. And above all don’t be afraid to use a little elbow grease to get the steak out of life.

I consider myself to be a very observant person. I know that I am very spunky.  Put these two things together and you’ve got a pretty volatile combination—a snarky know-it-all.  I constantly find myself in the position of telling people things that they don’t want to hear. You ever find yourself getting that look from someone like, “who the hell are you”?  Well I get that look all the time. I am that girl who people love to hate. Generally it is people who love me that hate me but you get the idea. This snarky know-it-all seems to have a little extra edge to her.  Very often my dreams are revealing.  I almost always dream things before they happen.  Recently, a friend of mine went on a trip. I had a dream that he ran into an old friend of his and that something romantic happened between them. When he got back to his home I called him to see if I was correct, and much to my delight I was. It is quite probable that this lovely moment was happening while I was in La-La Land dreaming about it. So, I get up on my little sass horse and start telling him all about himself.  I’m sure that on the other side of the phone he was giving me that same look I alluded to before.  I think this gift is a manifestation of my gut instincts that just seem to come out in my sleep.  I can see betrayals coming from people I love. I can see accidents waiting to happen amongst co-workers. I see it all; clear as day in my dreams. But is that clairvoyance or is it just paying attention? More often than not, I think that my revelations are mere observations. We all have been blessed with the power to observe and take in information; some of us just use that gift better than others. We pay attention to our instincts. You know that nudging feeling that you get in the back of your head, or that drop in the pit of your stomach right before something bad happens? Odds are that before the tragedy occurred, you felt it too.  You just chose to ignore it. Could you imagine what life would be like if we all paid attention to our instincts? We might not get our feelings hurt all the time and we might not be so shocked when things happen.  Now don’t misunderstand, there is always that little something that seems to blind side us. These events can’t be avoided as much as we may try. But with a little observation and a little faith in ourselves, we could definitely spare some pain.

Today’s Task: Trust your instincts.  I can’t stress this enough. Women’s intuition isn’t exclusive to women; it’s just that we are the only ones who use it. Going with your gut will get you where you want to be 90% of the time (that is totally a made up statistic). I didn’t say trust your body parts (you people know what I mean). I said trust your instincts. I promise that you will be happy with the results.

I am at a total loss.  I am usually a very decisive person and now I find myself stuck, without action, without movement, dumbfounded. Opportunity has been making herself seen all around me lately.  So many options, so many choices, so many chances and I can’t make any decisions.  Is it a matter of faith? If you believe in God (or a higher power for some of you), it’s hard to think that anything happens by chance.  It’s more a matter of fate or providence.  But it’s much more difficult to know what is God’s doing and what’s not.  It seems like we blame God for the wrong things and the devil for the wrong things. Does anyone ever stop to think that we are given some options and free will? We have the chance to do the living and we must trust that we are doing what we are supposed to whenever we aren’t quite sure. So, with all this in mind, should I be taking advantage of these opportunities? Should I uproot my life to make a real go of my career? Should I take a chance and spend time with a man I don’t know so well or take a chance with one I’ve known a good part on my life? Which decision is the right one? If I spend this time asking questions, I’ll never some up with any answers. So…

Today’s Task: Grab life with both hands and don’t be afraid to live. You will never know when you’ve got it right. Life is an experiment so try new things and make mistakes (not to many big ones, just ones you can learn from). God will guide you to the path where you need to be, but he will not take away your choices. It’s up to you to take the next steps.  Live!