I’ve often said that the best part of my life right now is enjoying the ride.  There is so much to do—so many adventures to be had before we reach our final destination. It can be fun, even comforting to have the feeling of the unknown with you.  It’s like a game of tether ball.  Sure you get knocked back and forth, but you’re got the wind in your hair and you’re riding high. But how long will that that sensation last.  How long with the game stay neat and light and easy. Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m in a game of tether ball that has gone terribly wrong. All of those unknowns that used to be alluring to me are beginning to feel overwhelming. I have finances that need to be straightened, a career that needs to get started and more personal queries than you can shake a stick at. And sin of all sins, I’m about to become a sell-out. I promised myself long ago that I would never do a job that wasn’t in my field or that did not advance my career. I am about to do just that: take a job just for the money. I want so badly to be okay with everything going on, but at times it feels like I am just barely treading water. I want to enjoy the ride with some sense of stability but not at the cost of my integrity and my personal ideals. How do I tread the balance?

Today’s Task: Cut the tether. If you’re not careful you may get played by the game instead of playing it. You’ll end up with a ball and string that are wrapped so tightly around a pole that they are completely unplayable and what use is a game you can’t play? When you reach the point that you are tethered to the tether, it is perfectly acceptable to cut it loose and start a new game. You want to enjoy that unknown without the fear of getting stuck to it. I’m cutting the tether today. I want to fly high again. However, it is comforting to know that there is a nice, stable pole, anchoring me for the whole ride.

In this life, there will always be the one that got away. There will always be that person who leaves and indelible impression on your soul: who changes you in some small way.  You may not meet them until very late in life. You may meet them early on. The point is that you will meet them and they will shift your thinking. I had that person in my life.  He was someone who challenged me. He forced me out of my comfort zone and made me really think about who I am and what I want. The sad part was that I wasn’t able to appreciate him while I had him. The general pattern for we fickle humans is just that—we don’t see what we have until it has left us behind.  I’m sure that he will be headed to the altar sometime soon and my heart can’t help but think what if. What if we had worked things out? What if we not only worked but lasted? What if I have exaggerated this relationship far beyond what it truly was? I could kill myself with questions that will never be answered but I don’t think that is the point of “the one that got away”.  There is a much greater lesson in the loss.

Today’s Task: Have no regrets. We are meant to make mistakes so that we can learn from them.  I think that the ones that get away are the great lessons before the ones that get to stay. If we don’t lose anything, how will we know to treasure what we have? If I hadn’t fallen for this guy when I did (at the worst possible time) there are some things that I never would have learned.  I never would have known that deep level of remorse that has taught me to appreciate the ones that I love.  I never want to take for granted the people that I love in any of my relationships.  I never would have known how much that means to me if he never got away. The ones that get away are our great teachers. They aren’t placed in our lives to insight regret but to aid in growth. I am grateful for the values that lesson taught me.

So I’ve been having this dream. Over and over it’s the same thing. It’s the same face, the same smile, the same feeling that I get all the time. This is a face that I know. A face that I’m comfortable with and the more I see it, the more at peace I feel. It’s just that I’m getting a little too comfortable with this face. So comfortable in fact, that I find myself hoping that I dream about it again. And again, I do. Clearly, this face is attached to a person. I have absolutely no business dreaming about this person.  There is no logical reason that I should long to speak to this person or see them in my dreams but I do. But is it really wrong to want to be near someone who aids my sanity? Someone who makes me smile at the thought of their personality. Someone who literally makes me a better version of myself—I mean, there is a much nicer, less sarcastic, very open and compassionate me that exists. Every now and again she appears, and she mostly shows up around this person (barely a hint of sarcasm there). Is it wrong to throw all that away because it may be inappropriate? I feel so sure and yet so out of control. I just don’t think that I can trust this feeling. I’m deeply concerned.

Today’s Task: (This is a totally personal one) Cut the smitten kitten syndrome. It can become a little obnoxious to be moderately interested in someone who may not care at all. Stop the dreams, stop the feelings, just stop it B, until you are sure. Be composed till you can handle this like a rational adult and not a teenage girl. That may take a while.

People can be so crazy sometimes.  Some of you know that I recently decided to change my phone number, now let me tell you why. I got a few phone calls last week from someone that I didn’t know. I finally answered on the second call. It was from a woman named Sophia.  She told me that she got my phone number from a subpoenaed phone record and then proceeded to ask me flat out if I’d had an affair with her husband… What? I mean really, me, of all people—like I would have an affair with anyone’s husband. This woman was so insistent that I had, mysteriously crossed a line with her husband. I have no earthly clue who she is, or who her husband is. I was irritated with her at first but as the brief conversation I began to feel badly for her. She wanted so much to have some answers to her questions.  She kept saying to me, “I’m getting a divorce, so I don’t care if you did have an affair; I just want to know for my sake”. She was desperate for some peace and some closure to her situation, and I found myself upset with her husband and I don’t even know him. It got me thinking about all the dirt that people do: the things that are done that go unsaid and the things that are brought to the light. There are so many deceptive things that we do to the people that we love on a regular basis. Why? Why must we hide our secret motives? Is it because we know that what we hide is inappropriate and hurtful? It’s just too much.

Today’s Task: Watch the dirt that you do. There are so many nasty things done in the dark that are always brought to the light. Secrets often get found out and very often dirt begets dirt, but then we leave this world fairly grimy. Make sure that you aren’t doing anything in this life that you wouldn’t want printed on the front page of the New York Times.  It’s a good way to govern yourself and keep your loved ones from getting hurt.