I’m balding. That’s right. I said it. My hair is beginning to thin out on one side. This is disheartening to say the least. I am struggling to find different ways to wear it to hide the fact that some of it is disappearing.

 I noticed the change a few months ago. I was boycotting the flat iron and decided that I would only wear my hair in its naturally curly state. This is difficult for me because my curls, for all their loveliness, are uneven. There is no uniformity to make me feel comfortable with my mane. It has always been this way. To counteract the tenacious tendrils, I started wearing them in a bun. The bun is sleek, smooth, and classic. No one can call me out for being unruly, uncouth, or afro-centric.

Two months ago, I started a job that I love. I wore my hair in that bun every day for the first month. I could feel my scalp denting from the pressure of bobby pins. I could see more hair disappearing. But what was the alternative? Wear it out? Be a sloppy, uneven mess? No chance. That idea didn’t match the image that I had of the institution—or of myself working there.  I decided that I’d rather go back to the flat iron for a week or two…give my hair a chance to breathe (under the heat of a thousand suns).

Heat wasn’t the answer either. I saw split ends appearing where they had not been before. I was doing more harm than good. Was there no safe space for my hair?

I finally decided to let go and do what was best for me. I washed my hair, moisturized my curls, swept them up in a stylish comb, and walked out the door. This was my first time wearing my curls “out” in months. What would be the response and reception from my co-workers? What would my boss think?

The response was so universally positive that I wondered what my hesitation was to begin with. It was me. I was so hung up on this image that I had of myself fitting into this environment that I was afraid to take care of myself. I can’t blame this one on any racism or bigotry that I experienced first-hand; but on a systematic insinuation that my natural hair is somehow less than acceptable. I believed the hype. I fell for the okie-doke, and I have no one to blame but myself.

Today’s Task: Love yourself for whom and what you are you are. I love my hair. I want it to be free without personal fear of someone’s commentary. You can internalize the projections of beauty. But as for me and my hair, we will serve ourselves. Rest assured, if someone tries to touch it I will cut a B----. But I will not walk in apprehension. I will walk in me! Have the courage to do the same. 

So. Lazarus. Let’s go there for a second. He was dead and in his grave for nearly four days and then miraculously brought back to life by his good friend Jesus. I have always loved this moment in biblical history. It has always given me hope that God can resurrect and give life, no matter how long something has been dead.

God and I have a nice, “deep” relationship that has resulted in me understanding my gifts. I believe in the power of the tongue. I know that life and death are in our words and I am working in speaking life to any situation. You know, you've got to guard what you put in the atmosphere. Imagine my elation when I felt God whisper to me, “I have given you this power too. Use it.” I never paused to consider the after effects. Sure he got up from his death bed and walked out of a tomb. The imagery is so powerful. But Lazarus’ body was decaying for days. What happened after Jesus left town again? What kind of medical issues did he face? Was he ever close to normal again? Would he rather have stayed dead?

In January, my car Francis gave out on me. It just sputtered and died. Almost no warning and there was nothing I could do to stop the corrosion and decay. I was so depressed—that car had never been in an accident. The body was in perfect shape, but the heart of the thing was all wrong. I couldn't afford a car note so there was really only one thing to do. Pray and speak life over Frank. And I did. I told myself and everyone who asked me that my car would run again. There was no way to tell the extent of the damage. I could only hope that a change of engine would get him back on the road. Miraculously, a donor car was found. There had been an accident and the body of the other car was destroyed but the engine was in perfect condition. Frank got a transplant and then we waited. The car ran again and all was well. I was so happy…that is until about three weeks later, my alternator gave out, then I got into my first accident with Frank, then my A/C blew as a result, at the height of a heat wave. I have put just about $6,000 dollars (and climbing) into a car with a blue book value of about $4,000. I love my car and I mostly feel like it was worth it and yet sometimes, I just don’t know if it was.

Today’s Task: Consider the total sum. You know that expression “be careful what you pray for”? It’s a very true statement. I‘ll take you one further: be careful what you speak life to. Make sure it’s supposed to be living. I may just be having one of those deep faith questioning days but I really do wonder if we go off course with our “deep faith”. If you don’t consider all the ramifications and repercussions of what you’re putting your faith and energy into, you may end up biting off more than you can chew. I’m just saying. 

Today I watched the film Bright Star and I had a thought about passion—passion in life, passion in love, passion in poetry and passion in speech. I watched these people, frozen in the 18^th century and I listened to their passion. There was such love in their speech (granted John Keats was a poet). I began to wonder why they were able to express themselves in such flowery language. Were people just more emotionally in touch with themselves back then? No. I think I’ve figured it out: less distraction. There was so little around to distract the masses that they were forced to sit around and talk and think and be more interesting in general. When there is less to distract you there is more time to approach thought and decipher an effective way to express what you feel. Even the Bible has concrete elements of poetic language. Think of the Book of Ruth. There is that whole passage in the beginning which get’s quoted in nearly every wedding ceremony. Ruth says to her mother-in-law Naomi, “Entreat me not to leave thee”. She could have so simply said, “Don’t ask me to leave you” but she said entreat me not instead. With the onset of great technology came the onset of great laziness in speech. We don’t have to work as hard to express ourselves, what with Facebook and Twitter readily available at our fingertips. Let’s not even get started on the fact that most of us consider texting actual conversation. I am going to make an active effort to step back.

Today’s Task: Learn to be more articulate without reliance on technology. Self- Reliance isn’t just an essay by Ralph Waldo Emerson, it’s a way of life. Rely on yourself to speak your mind. Imagine all the things that you could say to someone without the abuse of a device that needs to be plugged up. Write a letter. Pay a visit. Think of the weigh that your words have when they come straight from you. Articulate please!

I had an epiphany today. Feelings are all a matter of perception. Your feeling are entirely base don’t he way you perceive things. Say I’m having a conversation with someone. They say something specifically to convey a certain point but you hear something else and therefore perceive something else. Case in point: I once knew a girl named Katherine. We were loose acquaintances. One day we were having a conversation about past relationships and discovered that at one point in time, we had dated the same guy. The conversation moved to his new girlfriend and we were talking about how awful she was. I said very casually, “I love John but sometimes he has awful taste in women”.  I didn’t think much of this comment because on my part there was no malicious intent. But she heard an insult. The girl literally began to cry at the table. I had no intentions to hurt her. If there was any insult to be made, I would have backhandedly included myself. That was not my goal. Perception. Can you imagine how many people have been hurt and acted out based on something they perceive. How many crimes of passion have been committed at the assumption of nothing?  For the obsessive, perceptions can rule you. You become compulsive in the face of something you feel you can’t control. Think of all the women around this world right now, twiddling their thumbs, waiting for some guy to call them—thinking that there is something they have done wrong. That same guy could be in the hospital, or dead, or in trouble, or really pre-occupied with something more important. That woman’s perception makes her crazy. Our tainted opinions and misconceptions make us sitting ducks to paranoia and hurt feelings.

Today’s Task: Let go of perceptions. There are so many mistakes we make when we act on perceptions. When you assume you make and ass out of you. I don’t know why people add and me, cause really; you’re the only one with egg on your face. It becomes really liberating when you no longer allow people’s actions to dictate your feelings. I’m not saying that someone’s blatant disrespect should affect you, but there lack of reaction to a situation shouldn’t send you spiraling out of control. Understand that not everything is about you. Grasping that concept will make your life a lot easier and a lot less stressful.

For some reason I have been thinking about Machiavelli today. You know, there’s that whole section in The Prince where he is discussing whether a ruler should be feared or loved. It’s really a valid question.  Is it better to have people be afraid of you or to have people love you? Which is more likely to inspire loyalty? Which is going to keep people near to you? Fear or love? I’d never really thought much about the subject until today. I can see where the man was coming from on the subject of fear. To the emotionally stunted and immature it makes sense that fear would be the way. These are the people who equate fear with respect. These are the people who live by the kill or be killed philosophy—the people who believe that if they aren’t respected through fear, they have nothing. If only they knew love was the ultimate respect. It may seem like love is easy to take advantage of. But think about it. If you were a king, would you take the fear approach or the love approach? If you were feared, it may be more likely that you would end up without a throne or a kingdom to rule. Who doesn’t want to uproot a corrupt and dictatorial leader? Fear only works as a tactic but for so long. A leader who is loved is cherished and valued. If anyone were to attempt an insurrection or assassination it’s more likely that the people would rise up to protect their leader; Or, if that fails, to avenge the leaders untimely demise.  Who would do that for someone they feared? It’s not to say that you can’t rule with a firm hand and still be loved. There is a place to be level. I guess it all depends on emotional maturity and what kind of legacy you want to leave.

Today’s Task: Inspire love in someone. It would suck to find that your behavior caused you to go through life hated. No one wants to be hated or avoided. People pretend like they want to be but that is simply to avoid being vulnerable and rejected.  There is no sense in being a curmudgeon. It benefits no one, lease of all you. To be loved is much greater than to attempt to earn respect any other way. I want to leave a legacy of love.

 Has there been someone that has blown you away? Someone in your life who truly astounds you? I know someone like that—a remarkable someone who continuously amazes me with his progress. We were just kids when we met each other and our relationship was a times tumultuous (to say the least) but we have been blessed enough to know each other for a decade.  A lot can happen in a decade. Massive change can happen in a decade. When we first met and became friends, I had this vision for the person that he was and the person that he would become.  I tried not to project too much of that on him; however, being the naive and transparent girl that I was, the task became virtually impossible. I did project and I let him know at every turn we took.  For a long time we lost contact with each other. But I still had faith in him: faith in his intelligence and faith in his spirit. I caught up with my friend recently and I have to say that the experience was entirely pleasant. He has turned into absolutely everything that I ever thought he could be. He is strong and focused and wise. Although we struggled through some rough patches, we have come up on top. The thing that has helped is that I never gave up on him. I never stopped believing in him. Though there are gaps in our decade of acquaintance, they are necessary gaps. They are gaps of growth for both of us.

Today’s Task: Never give up on the people you care for. In this day and age we are so often encouraged to give up on relationships.  When people become useless or don’t live up to our expectations, we are just supposed to walk away. Now I’m not saying that there aren’t times when we should cut our losses, nor am I saying that we should all be nudges and pushers. But there are times that we should stand for people we believe in. How can people grow if we don’t’ give them the chance to be who they can be.  It’s so easy to give up. But God hasn’t given up on me and I don’t think I can give up on anyone else.

Do you ever think of Sacagawea?  Think about her expedition with two random men (Lewis and Clark). She was just trying to get them to their destination at the Missouri River and she became someone who will forever be ingrained in history. But why did she do it? And what was her side of the story?  I mean really think about it.  Lewis and Clark are trying to find a way to the Missouri River and she already knows how to get there, which means her people already knew how to get there. Then why are these two men credited with the discovery? Yes, she is acknowledged but they get the credit. Is that really fair? And think of Marie Antoinette. That poor woman is quoted as saying something that she never said.  What kind of monarch would say “let them eat cake” in reference to the impoverished of her country? Certainly she wouldn’t but the media outlets and the gossip rags of her day assert that she did. A gossip column helped to bring about a revolution. What would have happened if she were allowed to explain things from her perspective?  They say that history is written by the winners and that is absolutely true. Sacagawea wasn’t a winner. Not really. Neither was the Dauphine of France. Their lives were radically changed by the words and protestations of others. Makes you really think about what is said of you—what will leave a lasting impression about who you were. Is it acceptable to have someone dictate how you will be remembered?

Today’s task: Write your own history. Don’t give anyone the opportunity to tell your story.  Journal. Write. Scribble. Let people know who you were in your own words and actions. No one will ever be able to speak of you as well as you can.  Words, statements and feelings in this life can be misconstrued when taken out of context. Contextualize you and leave your own lasting impression. It’s worth it. 

I’ve often said that the best part of my life right now is enjoying the ride.  There is so much to do—so many adventures to be had before we reach our final destination. It can be fun, even comforting to have the feeling of the unknown with you.  It’s like a game of tether ball.  Sure you get knocked back and forth, but you’re got the wind in your hair and you’re riding high. But how long will that that sensation last.  How long with the game stay neat and light and easy. Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m in a game of tether ball that has gone terribly wrong. All of those unknowns that used to be alluring to me are beginning to feel overwhelming. I have finances that need to be straightened, a career that needs to get started and more personal queries than you can shake a stick at. And sin of all sins, I’m about to become a sell-out. I promised myself long ago that I would never do a job that wasn’t in my field or that did not advance my career. I am about to do just that: take a job just for the money. I want so badly to be okay with everything going on, but at times it feels like I am just barely treading water. I want to enjoy the ride with some sense of stability but not at the cost of my integrity and my personal ideals. How do I tread the balance?

Today’s Task: Cut the tether. If you’re not careful you may get played by the game instead of playing it. You’ll end up with a ball and string that are wrapped so tightly around a pole that they are completely unplayable and what use is a game you can’t play? When you reach the point that you are tethered to the tether, it is perfectly acceptable to cut it loose and start a new game. You want to enjoy that unknown without the fear of getting stuck to it. I’m cutting the tether today. I want to fly high again. However, it is comforting to know that there is a nice, stable pole, anchoring me for the whole ride.

In this life, there will always be the one that got away. There will always be that person who leaves and indelible impression on your soul: who changes you in some small way.  You may not meet them until very late in life. You may meet them early on. The point is that you will meet them and they will shift your thinking. I had that person in my life.  He was someone who challenged me. He forced me out of my comfort zone and made me really think about who I am and what I want. The sad part was that I wasn’t able to appreciate him while I had him. The general pattern for we fickle humans is just that—we don’t see what we have until it has left us behind.  I’m sure that he will be headed to the altar sometime soon and my heart can’t help but think what if. What if we had worked things out? What if we not only worked but lasted? What if I have exaggerated this relationship far beyond what it truly was? I could kill myself with questions that will never be answered but I don’t think that is the point of “the one that got away”.  There is a much greater lesson in the loss.

Today’s Task: Have no regrets. We are meant to make mistakes so that we can learn from them.  I think that the ones that get away are the great lessons before the ones that get to stay. If we don’t lose anything, how will we know to treasure what we have? If I hadn’t fallen for this guy when I did (at the worst possible time) there are some things that I never would have learned.  I never would have known that deep level of remorse that has taught me to appreciate the ones that I love.  I never want to take for granted the people that I love in any of my relationships.  I never would have known how much that means to me if he never got away. The ones that get away are our great teachers. They aren’t placed in our lives to insight regret but to aid in growth. I am grateful for the values that lesson taught me.

So I’ve been having this dream. Over and over it’s the same thing. It’s the same face, the same smile, the same feeling that I get all the time. This is a face that I know. A face that I’m comfortable with and the more I see it, the more at peace I feel. It’s just that I’m getting a little too comfortable with this face. So comfortable in fact, that I find myself hoping that I dream about it again. And again, I do. Clearly, this face is attached to a person. I have absolutely no business dreaming about this person.  There is no logical reason that I should long to speak to this person or see them in my dreams but I do. But is it really wrong to want to be near someone who aids my sanity? Someone who makes me smile at the thought of their personality. Someone who literally makes me a better version of myself—I mean, there is a much nicer, less sarcastic, very open and compassionate me that exists. Every now and again she appears, and she mostly shows up around this person (barely a hint of sarcasm there). Is it wrong to throw all that away because it may be inappropriate? I feel so sure and yet so out of control. I just don’t think that I can trust this feeling. I’m deeply concerned.

Today’s Task: (This is a totally personal one) Cut the smitten kitten syndrome. It can become a little obnoxious to be moderately interested in someone who may not care at all. Stop the dreams, stop the feelings, just stop it B, until you are sure. Be composed till you can handle this like a rational adult and not a teenage girl. That may take a while.